Evil, or Something Like It
by TheArchives
Summary: Akatsuki drabbles. Humor and total crack. Do not expect any sense out of them. Spoilers for Part 2 of the manga. No pairings. 4: Why did Sir Leader listen to Deidara's schemes anyway?
1. Umbrella

**Evil, or Something Like It**  
By: Clever Audrey  
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.  
Warnings: Akatsuki. Crack. Odd humor.

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**Drabble 1 - Umbrella**  
Summary: Based on the idea that we must see the Akatsuki leader's face eventually...won't we? ;P

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Itachi raised an eyebrow.

Kisame blinked, grimaced, and finally let out a resigned sigh.

Zetsu cocked his head to one side, looking perplexed.

Sasori grumbled under his breath and was probably rolling his eyes inside his puppet.

Deidara looked slightly disappointed, and showed the beginnings of a pout.

"I must protest, Leader-sama, un."

Sir Leader smirked, amused by their reactions. "And what is it that you feel the need to protest, Deidara?"

"The umbrella, un!"

"Oh, this?" Sir Leader looked up at the object in question. It was a very nice umbrella, he thought; made of the same material that black-out curtains were, it shaded his head and shoulders very nicely, even here on a plain in Grass Country in such sunny weather. "I want a bit of shade. What could be wrong with that?"

"You're hiding," Kisame grumbled. "We still can't see your face. We meet in the cave…fine, it's dark. We meet in an abandoned warehouse at night…fine. We meet in a shadowy forest…fine. But here?"

"It's very bright here," one of Zetsu's voices began, "but isolated, and the rest of us don't have to hide." "_There's no need to be in shadows here,_" the other voice finished.

"Leader-sama is doing it on purpose, un!" Deidara concluded their complaints with an emphatic nod.

Sir Leader smirked again. "Do you need to see my face for this organization to function properly?"

The answer to this being a rather obvious "no" they didn't say anything, though Kisame grimaced and Deidara was frowning again.

"Well, then, if that's settled, we'll get on to the important topics of discussion." He didn't bother to hide the amusement in his voice. After that the meeting went quickly, though he did hear murmurs of "He's so melodramatic, un!" (which was rather hypocritical, coming from Deidara) and "Paranoid bastard" (from Kisame, who got a slight sigh and headshake from his quiet and equally paranoid partner) as the group broke up.

Sir Leader grinned to himself as soon as they were gone, and teleported away before folding up his trusty umbrella. It was so much fun to watch all their reactions…and besides, he had to keep them a bit off-balance with something, didn't he?

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AN: Yeah, these are pretty random. Posted on the akatsukilove livejournal, originally. Probably won't be updated very often, but I thought people might be amused. 


	2. Reading Material

**Evil, or Something Like It**  
By: Clever Audrey  
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.  
Warnings: Akatsuki. Crack. Odd humor.

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**Drabble 2 - Reading Material...  
**Summary: Horrible idea after seeing some flies in the window of the hardware store. Don't ask.

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"But…but how does that _work_?" Kisame asked, looking perplexed and slightly pained. "_Does_ it work?"

"I'm not sure…un. But it must be possible, un!" Deidara said, eyes narrowed in concentration.

"You'd need a zoom lens," Sir Leader pointed out quietly from a nearby corner, sounding amused.

"Un! That's a good idea, Leader-sama!" Deidara perked up. "With a zoom lens, you could catch the details, and then- well, you'd need a _video_ camera with a zoom lens to do it right…unless you were making a magazine, un!"

"But is there even anything to _see_?" Kisame went on, sounding even more pained but drawn by morbid curiosity. Behind him, Itachi let out an inaudible sigh and made a show of paying more attention to the kunai he was sharpening.

Sasori looked up from the puppet he was tinkering with long enough to roll his eyes. "Why are you even discussing this?"

"It's a mystery that must be solved, un," Deidara retorted with a self-confident nod. "Even Sasori-danna should be able to appreciate that, un."

Sasori rolled his eyes again and did not deign to reply.

"Well, you could ask Zetsu," Sir Leader murmured from the corner, the amusement in his voice even thicker.

"Oh! Another excellent idea, Leader-sama! Zetsu-" Deidara turned toward the plant-man eagerly.

Zetsu rose and drew himself up to his full height. He stalked past them all to the door of the cave they were gathered in, then turned back and replied with great dignity:

"For the last time – we do _not_ read fly porn!"

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AN: Yeah...don't ask. -sighs- That's all of these for now. There might be more if inspiration strikes me. 


	3. Don't touch that!

**Evil, or Something Like It**  
By: Clever Audrey  
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.  
Warnings: Akatsuki. Crack. Odd humor.

AN: Just to clarify something that a reviewer commented on. When Deidara addresses Sasori, he uses the suffix "-danna" with Sasori's name, not "-dono." I read Japanese, and have read the original Japanese Naruto chapters, and Deidara is definitely using "-danna." While the most common translation of this does have the meaning of "husband," that is not the only meaning. The Shannaro scanlation group uses the definition "colloquial way to address a male who is your senior" as the most appropriate translation given how Deidara uses it; Sasori is definitely Deidara's senior, and given that all of Deidara's speech is fairly colloquial, this seems to be right in character for him.  
Given all of this, I have and will continue to use Deidara's "danna,"as well as other Japanese suffixes.  
And that's enough of an author's note. On to the drabble!

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**Drabble 3 - Don't touch that!  
**Summary: Deidara gets a little too ingenious sometimes...

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"Don't touch that!"

Kisame jerked his hand back from the perfect-looking platter of sushi sitting on the smooth stone outcropping that served the Akatsuki as a sometime-kitchen table. He turned to Deidara, who gave a dramatic sigh of relief and hurried over to gingerly pick up the plate.

"Why shouldn't he?" Itachi asked, his voice as emotionless as ever, but obviously curious.

"Well, he can if he wants to get blown up, un," the blond said, giving the Uchiha a lop-sided grin.

"You put your clay in food?" Kisame asked incredulously. "And then just left it lying around? Are you trying to kill us?"

"Obviously not," Deidara sniffed, "otherwise I wouldn't have warned you, un. And I didn't put clay in the food – the food is clay, un."

Kisame blinked at the Iwa missing-nin for a long moment, then shot his partner a helpless look. Itachi replied with a particularly blank deadpan that Kisame read as 'Don't ask me, you're the one who's trying to understand him.'

Kisame sighed.

"Look, danna, it worked!" Deidara was now enthusiastically showing the plate of explosive sushi to Sasori, who had shuffled into the "kitchen" grumpily.

"Hmph."

"Is it some kind of new weapon?" Kisame prodded Deidara, who nodded and launched into an enthusiastic explanation of his new "food bombs."

"You can slip them to enemies, un! Then they eat them, and go boom! Un!"

This time both Kisame and Sasori sighed.

"Do they actually taste like sushi?" Kisame wanted to know next. The blond started to reply, then stopped and looked startled.

"Actually, I'm not sure. I'll have to find out, un!" He reached for the plate, looking determined.

"Don't eat them yourself!" Sasori snapped, finally moved to comment.

"But danna-"

"No. Find someone else to try them on."

"All right," Deidara faked great disappointment. Then he turned to the other pair and brightened, holding out the plate. "Sushi?"

Kisame rolled his eyes and sighed. Itachi gave him the deadpan that wasn't quite a glare.

Silence reigned in the cavern for a few moments as Deidara contemplated this latest turn of affairs, and the others wondered for the billionth time what their leader had been thinking when he took Deidara on.

Zetsu slid out of the floor in the doorway just then, and Deidara perked up, turning to him before anyone else could say anything.

"Sushi, Zetsu?"

The gold-eyed Akatsuki looked at the plate for a long time, then up at Deidara's eager smile, then back down at the plate. Curious, the rest remained quiet for a moment, watching the exchange.

"No thank you. We are not hungry at the moment."

"Oh. I see."

"Perhaps outside of base would be a better place for your experiments, Deidara," Sasori put in at last.

"Hmm." Deidara seemed down again for a moment, then jumped up with another grin. "I'm sure Sir Leader would appreciate a snack, un!"

And promptly ran out of the room, still balancing the plate of "sushi."

The others all looked at each other.

"Who's going to warn him?" Kisame wanted to know.

"If he can't figure it out, he's not fit to be our leader anyway," Sasori pointed out, and went back to whatever he'd been doing.

Itachi nodded in agreement, and Zetsu gave a rustling shrug before disappearing again.

Kisame sighed and decided that a cup of nice, normal, non-explosive tea sounded like a good way to stave off his growing headache.

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AN: Yeah...don't know where this came from. XD Next one...eventually. When I steal my life back from school. 


	4. Cold Fusion

**Evil, or Something Like It**  
By: Clever Audrey  
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.  
Warnings: Akatsuki. Crack. Odd humor.

AN: This is based on a conversation that my friend Scruffy Erik came up with, so inspiration credit all goes to him. ;P

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**Drabble 4 - Cold Fusion**

Summary: Kisame had no idea why Sir Leader went along with Deidara's schemes...

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_Itachi appeared in the door of the cave, face as blank as ever, and said, "Kisame," very quietly. Quietly enough that the hint of plaintiveness in his tone was nearly impossible to detect. _

_Kisame looked up at his partner, studied him for a moment, and then sighed. _

_"Itachi-san, please tell me you didn't create cold fusion in the microwave again."_

_The deadpan remained firmly in place, but it took on a frustrated edge. "I wanted popcorn…."_

_Kisame sighed and levered himself up out of his chair. "I thought we'd agreed that I would make popcorn from now on."_

_Itachi did not reply. Kisame sighed again and slipped past his partner into the kitchen. /I'd better figure out whether or not we'll need a new microwave. Again. Having a genius for a partner is all well and good, but in some ways it makes life more difficult. How the hell did you get from popcorn to cold fusion, anyway/_

_ Bending down, he peered into the microwave. /Yep, definitely need a new one. Maybe I should just put the electronics store on speed dial./ _

_He straightened. "Itachi-san, how about I take care of all microwaveable stuff from now on?"_

_Itachi's deadpan shifted into something that might have been, 'I don't like to bother you.'_

_"It's less of a bother than getting a new microwave every other week. Okay? Or at least until you can come up with something **useful** to do with the cold fusion."_

_Itachi nodded curtly._

"But…but…" Kisame blinked as the TV screen faded to black, and gave Leader-sama and Deidara a very perplexed look, "what's it _for_? What's the _point_?"

Itachi was still staring at the screen with slightly narrowed eyes and as close to a confused expression as he ever got. "I can't make cold fusion." A pause. "I don't think." His eyes wandered toward the kitchen.

Kisame groaned.

"It's an advertisement, un!" Deidara explained, grinning.

"What?"

"An advertisement," Leader-sama repeated, calm in the face of Kisame's outburst.

"For _what_? We're a closed organization of S-class missing-nin! What do we need to advertise?"

"I have decided that all of you spend too much time sitting around here doing nothing. If we advertise, I imagine we'll get some good side jobs and accumulate more resources while you continue to search for the jinchuuriki. Deidara thought it would be amusing to do it this way."

"But what does the commercial have to do with any of that?"

"It shows the genius of our members, un!"

"But…but…" Kisame could feel a headache coming on.

"This is just a preliminary sketch, of course. Sasori and Deidara did quite well with the henge, didn't they?"

"Do I even want to know how you talked Sasori into doing it?"

Leader-sama smiled gently. "No."

Kisame eyed the man for a moment, then nodded quickly. "Whatever. It's not like anything we say will change your mind anyway."

"Excellent, un!" Deidara grinned again and darted out of the room after snatching up the tape.

"Good. And now, you might want to go see what your partner is up to." With that, Leader-sama smirked and swept out of the room after the Iwa-nin.

Kisame, realizing abruptly that Itachi was indeed no longer in the room and hearing the noise of popcorn popping in the kitchen, groaned and rose from his seat. He shot one last dark glance at the television and hurried out of the living room.

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AN: Yeah...that's pretty random. Hope you like. :) 


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